I've been avoiding posting for a while. I've done a few little posts here and there, but not really any major, real posts. See, I'm a perfectionist at heart (you wouldn't know it by looking at my apartment, but it's true).When I decide something is important to me, I want it done right. If I can't do it as good as I want it, I often don't even try. Or I think about it a lot, preparing and making sure everything is just right, before I attempt it.
To me, blogging has become important. I want to put up impressive, thought-inspiring posts. I want my blog to draw in readers and comments because it's such an interesting, entertaining, and wonderful blog. But my problem is that I'm just not that good at it. I try to be clever and funny, and it comes out blunt and awkward. I try to be sweet and it ends up sappy. I try to take wonderful pictures, and they have poor composition or bad coloring.
My problem is that I feel mediocre.
That 1930s wife quiz that I took is a good example of my mediocrity. Sure, lots of the questions were kind of silly, and don't really indicate one's level of good-wife-ness in today's world. But many of the questions are still applicable today. Do I complain too much? Yes. Do I keep the house clean, and myself looking nice? No. Am I crabby in the morning? You betcha. Can I carry on an interesting conversation? Not really, I'm too shy and often let conversations die because I can't think of anything to say. Do I fail to clean the top of the milk bottle before opening it? Well, okay, that one's pretty much outdated. But still. I don't wash fruits and vegetables before I use them, and that's along the same lines. And (guilty confession) I don't really like kids.
I will concede that there are some things I am good at. Crochet, cooking and baking, piano and organ. I'm very frugal and good at saving money and making due with what we have. I excel at changing diapers. And I have proven myself to be pretty good at losing weight (and gaining it all back when I get pregnant).
But right now, I just feel that, no matter how good I may think I am at this or that, I'm still...mediocre.
9 comments:
you are just being to hard on yourself is all. you don't need to impress anybody. just be yourself. think about your family and what they need.
You know, there are few kids other than my own that I really like. Yours are in that bunch of course, and Amandas... wow, I think that's it. I tolerate others, and I am sure I will like the cousins little ones when I meet them face to face because I have gotten to know their little personalities through the blogs. So don't feel bad about that.
I never bother to wash stuff unless it falls on the floor between moppings. I use "I" too much in my blogs. I interrupt too much, I yell at my kids a lot, I don't read them books but maybe once a week if they are lucky, the tv is my babysitter, my food photos stink, I am not as frugal as you are, (I am running out of breath) I can't lose weight and don't care at the moment, I am crazy and have to take meds because if I don't I will hurt my kids...
There, feel better? :-) You are anything but mediocre. I can't crochet, you don't talk a lot. And there's nothing wrong with sappy. (Mark is sappy and I love it) You will always be superior in my book, not comparing because Mom gets mad when I do that, but that's just what you are! You are special! You keep me grounded and talk me out of ice cream, you let me talk your ear off and you are an AMAZING listener, you are an awesome piano player...
Feel better yet? I could keep going... :-) I better not thought because this has turned into a novel. You want a self-esteem boost? Call me and I will give you a full service refill, no extra charge!
oh dear!! You are WAY more talented and great than you give yourself credit for. For one thing, you are always completely honest in your writing. You have the guts to admit things and work through feelings and hard times. I don't always do that...sometimes under our "great days" I am feeling TOTALLY overwhelmed and worthless, but I convince myself to forget about it--even though I really would just like to write it and get it off my chest.
You are AMAZING at trying new things and being frugal. I mean, really--you go without A/C when it's HOT! THAT is amazing.
I get what you mean though about feeling mediocre. I feel that lots...I think we all do. It's a rough slump to be in...not feeling like we do anything really GREAT...just okay. I get ya on that...
Just know we are all loving and thinking of you...because you are the ONLY you and the BEST you that you can be right in this moment. And there is NOTHING medoicre about that!
Stephanie, you and I, we must be kindred spirits or something. :-)
I felt like I could have written this post. (Well except for the crochet-will you teach me? piano and organ and being frugal...so see! You are far from mediocre if you can do all that!)
I don't like kids either (except for mine) and that is why I struggle so much in Primary. I could go on and on about this but I won't do that here. I am very crabby in the morning and the afternoon and the evening...
I am extremely shy and have a difficult time keeping a conversation going. And I never wash my fruit. Every now and then I think as I take a bite, "hmm...hope I don't get sick. Oh well."
I do have you beat on one thing though-I always clean the top of the milk bottle before I open it. Always! :-)
We are all working every day to do the best we can and don't need to hold ourselves up to others or some model of what others think we should be in order to judge ourselves and our accomplishments.
And I am willing to bet a whole bunch of tomatoes that your kids and husband, friends and family find you far from mediocre.
(I know I just started commenting here and I hope I have not totally freaked you out with this comment!)
I have so little to add. You're NOT mediocre. You are amazing at so many things. Some people may be better at other things, but the things you excel at are YOURS. I can't wait to see you at the reunion and hug you to let you know how special you are!
I totally know how you feel. I love your blog though.I had to have Rachel do the background on mine because I couldn't figure it out. So way to go on your blog looking terrific. I sometimes wonder if it is worth putting up posts. I don't get many comments and it is so depressing sometimes (does anyone really read my blogs). I hope you feel better. I think you are incredible. Even if your talent is not picture taking or being what most people's idea of a wife and mother should be, just know that Heavenly Father thought you were the very best mother for the children you were given and the best wife for the husband you have. You are the best! and you have amazing talents. I should have you make me a little girls dress!
Stephanie, you are a totally awesome you. I have so enjoyed getting to know you better through your blogs. I appreciate your candid-ness (is that a word?) Whenever we compare ourselves to ANYBODY else, we come up short. We end up comparing only what we know about others to the worst we know about ourselves. So unfair. Keep your chin up, you are loved and are very valuable to those who know you.
Ditto on everyone else's comments. They all said it so well! And I too feel this way, especially if I compare myself to my sisters or neices - never a good idea. Since you didn't live close to us growing up, I hadn't gotten to know you very well. But through blogging, I feel like we're friends now, and you are amazing at so many things! (and you always comment on my very mediocre blog!) I, too, am impressed at how you can share your true feelings on your blog. Wish I had the courage to do that. And you are so my role model for your determination & success in losing weight! Very few people can do what you've done. I really hope you can come to the reunion, I'm really looking forward to seeing and visiting with your darling family - and it would be a great break for you!
Everyone else said it! But I will add this: I was outraged when I read you thought such a thing!! We come from a family that is so diverse and interesting, I don't think mediocre is even in our genes! We don't know how to be normal or ordinary, and I've always been proud of it. We don't fit the mold, we make a new one, and you are a great example. I love you, and, who cares what women did in the '30s, we've got our rights these days, and to heck with anyone who wants to fit us into a box to be labeled and copied!
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